The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

29 and ascending.
Blessings from unknown beings
Universal challenges and obstacles
The guides say Im ahead of schedule
Talk about galactic whip lash
Did you really have to take my mom?
Nah What am I saying, it was her time and she knew.
Every word and weird action to prepare us for her departure.
What a slap to the face to wake my selfish ass up.
This year has been kinda shit, not gonna lie.
I broke my heart 3 times, lost my parent, been pushed out of childhood home from a fire, so much death but so much beauty too. I fell in love deeper than I ever have and also broke my heart harder than ever before. Broke my wifes heart in the process I think. Polyamory is a bitch but I have learned soooo much. I learned about myself and other humans at a deeper level. I learned im on the autism spectrum, have ADHD, PTSD, pseudobulbar affect (laughing while crying). I have beat having a mini stroke. I lost 78lbs and still going. My spiritual abilities are evolving quicker day by day. Manifestation is at a high right now. I miss my twin flame but we could never be together so i decided to pull the trigger. The pain i feel from that is numbing. Watching my wife fall in love with someone else isnt bad but knowing its a love deeper than what we share together hurts. It makes me want to run, like my brother, hes a runner, king of runners in fact. Am I really like him? I hope not but time is proving other wise. I dont want to open myself up to love again, at least not just yet. My heart is to broken to be anything decent at this time. I just need to focus on my money and self improvement. I have another 70lbs to lose before my ex's wedding after all. Maybe after that I will date again. Maybe find a mate that sparks that feeling in my chest again. Make sure my dad is in a safe and secure place that can take care of him properly. Let my wife live a life she deserves with our lover and I hope to do the same once Im glued back together. Maybe find that girl thats been in my head since I was a kid. Maybe find myself in the process.

Its very simple you see. Kat is going to fall in love with kim. She will love her more than me. I will push her away until they leave together.

I need to get both houses fixed. One to live in and one to rent to pay for the one ill be living in. I figure 800 a month. 468 for the house payment and the rest for bills. Get on food stamps and assistance programs. Live alone. Have random meaningless sex every so often for human touch and connection. Save money where i can. Maybe travel if i have enough. But new plan is to be able to be sufficient without anyone else. Die alone. In that house.

I will not be surprised when kat realizes what i see. Its ok. Im a terrible partner who just used her for money and comfort. I dont deserve her and she deserves way better than me. Kim can give her a better more fulfilling life than i could ever dream. I failed.

When the time comes and im going to die. I will go to my childhood room, lay where my mother died. Maybe smoke one last bowl and wait for the Valkyrie to take me away.

No one will find me and thats ok. That body will rot in that house just like the other parts of me did through the years.

I will not live a life worthy of being in books or remembered. Just a whisper not even worth the breath.

I will try. But i know the end result. I feel stupid for even wanting to try. Kat may have been in love with me once but thats way gone. All that remains is attachment from the time we have spent together. She feels like she owes me something i think. She said that she would die without me. I dont think so. You have someone new to build a life with. Im just waiting for you to see it. My life is dead and meaningless. I have nothing to offer you. Go where you can grow, there is only dead soil here.